Been feeling better about myself, but it is a definite roller coaster ride.
Though I shouldn't complain, this is what I know, being alone, a lone wolf. A wolf pack of one; its how I've been as long as I can remember and, though it slightly bothers me, I'll probably stay this way for awhile.
Now, that's not to say I have friends. Sure I have friends, but would I trust these friends for all my life and dreams? It is hard to say. All my friends from Elementary School have mostly vanished, a few remained with me through high school, enough to count on one hand.
High school was just school for the most part just 4 years of my life that can be stripped from my memory, but I knew that going into it. Sure playing in the band was fun and putting on the radio show or doing robotics; but the general day-to-day dragged that shit on so bad. The friends from elementary stayed, we were similar enough most of our interest flowed with our interests:Music, art, etc. but for me.... I knew it was nearing the end.
Finishing high school, that group of friends I still talk to and I do consider them friends, but I don' talk to anyone of them on any regular (or even semi-regular) basis. Thing is, each one of them were destined for better things then I, and its taken me two years of college to understand and accept it, as its happening again.
One by one, they went off, there own different ways off succeeding. Is it my fault I never tried to keep better contact? Possibly, but talking and being outgoing was never me, so should they know that?
When I went to Centennial College I'm not going to lie, the fact I could go somewhere where nobody knew me, where I could re-invent myself, become cool, etc was extremely enticing to me; though in hindsight I should have stayed home and went to UOIT, at least I think I would have gotten a better education, but that's in past. For now, I was drawn in to the allure of some place new, but like the movie's have taught me....they DON'T mirror real life.
The friends I have at Centennial are maybe the best friends I have had, but still I'm hesitant. Since I haven't had friends like this, I have struggled with it; developing pretty bad paranoia too. Since I have always been to myself, I have had people talk behind my back through life, so being so close to people I consider friends, I always had in my mind they were bad-mouthing me, insulting me. Would they? I honestly don't know, but the things I did were extremely disgusting even to me to find out; and I know almost single-handily destroyed my friendship with one of them. She is the one I felt closest too as a friend, and it was this that made me think she had the worst things to say about me. After that breaking point, were still friends but I fucked up and I'm trying to fix it.
Those college times were the most social I have ever been in my life, but yet I still feel locked up, caged in, unable to really get out there because of me. After school ended I'm right back into my old comfort zone. The reason why is, much like high school, I'm the bottom rung of the ladder. I'm the last they go to to tell me something, if they even do, I'm the last person they ask for advice or help, and I'm the least respected of them all.
It bugs me sure that out of our group the the one who gets the best marks (4 A's, 2 B's, and a B+) and yet I'm the last one they go to for help if they need if; THAT or they don't at all. I even offer it and they pass.But, I can't be mad at that, it's their own decision and I need to learn that without being nosey. But its the fact that I have those marks, I have the knowledge, yet I'm the one who doesn't get a Coop job at all? AM I happy for everyone? ABSOLUTELY, but it just makes me question..... What the fuck is wrong with me then?
The same thing goes for relationships too, but I wont go on about that, All I will say right now is what do I do wrong, that's all.
.........................
I could go on more If I wanted but I am trying to write a blog to build up my writing, not to unleash my feeling onto the public; SO I promise my next post will be more fun and not all emotional bullshit.
For now though It feels good to do this and even if one person reads this, I will feel better. I will feel better if they agree with me, I will feel better if they say your a total fucking moron idiot and to get a life; just the fact someone read it, for that I'll be happy
For now, Goodnight
K.Spoon...Out
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